Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
