I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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