Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
