No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
