No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
