like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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