If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize