i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
