This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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