i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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