My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
