no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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