Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
