I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize