I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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