in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
