nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
