Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
