The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
It's just like the Real World with babies
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
