I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
