New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
