i just wanna soil my oats bro
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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