Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
