Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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