My Higher Power is John Stamos
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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