while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
