2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
