he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
