Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
