Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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