dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
