I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
