sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
