He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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