you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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