There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
