She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
