the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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