Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
me + whiskey = a bad person
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize