I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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