At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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