i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
