there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
