If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
