Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize