I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
