dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
