Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
