my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
