i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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