Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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