you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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