If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
