Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
