wakey wakey hands off snakey
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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