two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
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