Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
