Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
