Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
