we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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