He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
that is very illegal...i love you.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
