Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
