I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Please don't give away my fajitas
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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