Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
